Through a call on Instagram I was advised to talk to Ayla Verheijen. This marketing coach teaches her clients to use social media in a way that works for who they are. What does she think: Is it time for me to ‘get over myself’? Well, not at all, is her surprising answer. Ayla Verheijen:

«So many people get stuck in the normal way of doing marketing.  It sounds good, but it doesn’t work for them. After all, marketing interacts with who you are. Not only are some people naturally more extroverted than others, some people need more safety before they become more visible. It can even activate trauma responses in them, causing them to fight, flee, freeze or fawn (please and conform, a lesser-known trauma response) in response.

People who freeze experience the whole idea of ​​visibility as threatening, so they don’t even start. Others persevere, but are triggered by the idea of ​​all those viewers and fall back on fighting or fawning. A large part of marketing advice is based on that fight response: drastically pushing your insecure feelings aside and making yourself ‘big’. But more and more people experience that this does not suit them at all and does not feel good either.

Most entrepreneurs who come to me, however, tend to fawn. The idea behind this is: if I say exactly what others want to hear, then everything will be fine. They want to avoid sharing things that can be rejected.  But with both fighting and fawning, you do not communicate from your authentic self. It puts a layer over who you really are and what you have to share with the world. Marketing from the trauma response can be very tiring, because you are constantly trying to be as accessible as possible (fawning) or as original as possible (fighting).»

Ayla has advice for those who want to change this:

«Being aware of that potential trauma response supports you in dealing with it in a more loving way and in communicating less from that place. In addition, it is important that you become visible to yourself again. A lot of people walk around with brilliant ideas or observations that have been buried under all kinds of conditioning. In my courses, you learn to go inside and anchor yourself. Who am I really, and what do I have to say? We work on freeing that inner voice and from there, you can step out again.

When people start listening very carefully to what feels good and what doesn’t, marketing becomes simple and fun again. Then, you can make choices that really suit you.»

What Ayla describes here is absolutely food for thought. I know that certain trauma responses are present in me, but I have never linked them to my social media before.

«Someone can come up with the idea that she has to post something on her Insta every week, but that doesn’t work if she is not made for that at all. This is the kind of information I share with my clients and next, they can feel whether that resonates with them or not. I help people to trust themselves again, which is much more important than listening to what all those experts say. Sometimes it turns out that it is better not to use social media at all.»

Ayla’s words bring a kind of peace over me. Yes, yes, yes, of course the use of social media is not one size fits all! I think all those people who share all kinds of things all day long are fantastic (as long as it is somewhat substantive), but that is not me. Ayla:

«What you just said – ‘yes, yes, yes’ – is such a beautiful reflection of your Human Design chart. You feel your truth in your gut, not in the logic about what is ‘useful’ and ‘good’. If you continue to follow that inner gut yes when it comes to your marketing, then you are good. It also makes you less susceptible to the choir of (self-proclaimed) experts telling you that ‘you should make reels to succeed’.

As a (Manifesting) Generator you are built to let things come to you. It’s only when you have clear options in front of you that your gut can feel a yes or no. »

For someone who has never heard of Human Design, I find this surprisingly accurate. I have rarely or never actively approached female entrepreneurs for my PR business, but somehow they have always come my way.

But isn’t leaning back a very lazy way of marketing?
Am I not unconsciously guided by fear? 

But still… my Instagram now isn’t “it” . I can’t really identify with that woman who looks into the camera smilingly and who pops open a bottle of champagne on a work trip to Portugal. As much as I can enjoy luxury, this image doesn’t really match what’s important to me.

Ayla asks me if there’s a post on my feed that does feel good. Well, I actually wanted to share how I really felt about this fancy trip to Portugal. Let’s just say that I was completely drained by all the hands that had to be shaken, all the appointments that I had and all the small talk that was expected of me. But I was afraid that I would come across as tone deaf, that viewers would think: ‘woman, shut up, some people can’t even travel’. So I kept quiet. Ayla:

«This is a core characteristic of people who tend to fawn: you reject yourself in advance, so that others can’t do it anymore. People who are afraid of being tone deaf rarely are. But you know what’s so beautiful? The way you just talked about that trip actually gave me energy! I even had to laugh because you were so refreshingly honest. That’s how you inspire people: you show that it’s okay to be drained by something that is expected to be a really cool and enjoyable thing.

It’s too bad that you don’t share that because you’re afraid of being misunderstood. The people who misunderstand you simply aren’t your people. It’s the sincerity in a story like this that can help you attract your audience.  The things that feel a little vulnerable often contain a lot of sparkle.”

Noted. I know what I have to do: feeling into what really works for me, daring to share what I really want to share, being aware of any trauma responses that may arise and especially not forcing myself to do things that don’t feel good. I’ll keep an eye on her on Insta (@ayla_verheijen) for even more valuable tips.

Finally, of course, there’s nothing left for me to do but also bow deeply to all those women who only occasionally share something on social media. They undoubtedly have a lot of wisdom and beauty to give the world – just not over there. And all those ‘golden opportunities’ that they miss, probably those were never meant for them. What they probably already know: staying true to yourself is truly worth gold. •